


Because the world is ugly, But you're beautiful to me

by AsterAspera, never90mind



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Anxiety | Virgil Sanders Has PTSD, Background Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders, Blood and Injury, Hospitals, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Injury, Kissing, M/M, Minor Violence, Non-Graphic Violence, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Superhero Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders, Superhero Deceit | Janus Sanders, Supervillain Anxiety | Virgil Sanders, Swearing, Sympathetic Anxiety | Virgil Sanders, Sympathetic Deceit | Janus Sanders, Unsympathetic Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-31
Updated: 2021-01-31
Packaged: 2021-03-18 09:41:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 12,480
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29116167
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AsterAspera/pseuds/AsterAspera, https://archiveofourown.org/users/never90mind/pseuds/never90mind
Summary: Janus stumbles home late at night after fighting crime for hours, only to discover a lump in his bed. He pulls back the covers to reveal the one person he expected the least.
Relationships: Anxiety | Virgil Sanders/Deceit | Janus Sanders
Comments: 11
Kudos: 55





	1. If you look in the mirror and don't like what you see, You can find out first hand what it's like to be me.

**Author's Note:**

> A fic I made with AsterAspera. That's really all there is to say tbh.

Janus stumbled home late at night, thankfully with no major injuries, but fully intent on just falling into his bed and sleeping for a week. However, upon fumbling for the light switch and looking around, he noticed a strange lump under the covers and when he threw them back he stared in horror at the person in his bed. Virgil? As in, his nemesis Virgil? Why the hell was he here? He debated with himself on waking him up and dragging him to the nearest police station, but something caused him to hesitate. Virgil looked weak and hurt, and Janus couldn't find it in him to kick him out. Instead, he covered him gently with a blanket and settled down on the couch to sleep instead. He woke up early the next day, heading to the kitchen to scramble some eggs, somehow momentarily forgetting about the villain sleeping in his house.

Virgil trudged through to the kitchen, but... It wasn't his kitchen? "Where the hell am I?" he grumbled, eyeing his location. He felt queasy and a bit faint, and the soreness of numerous cuts and bruises was digging into his skin. He didn't even register his supposed nemesis in the room.

Janus turned to look at him, leaning against the counter nonchalantly. "That's a good question, not sure you meant to end up here," he snarked as he inspected Virgil critically. The paleness of his face and the way he was swaying slightly on his feet told him enough. "Sit down, I don't want you throwing up all over my kitchen floor," he ordered, pouring some tea into a mug for him.

"You're not interrogating me. I'm not saying shit," he spat, trying to leave. However, when his vision blurred and his knees buckled, he decided to begrudgingly take a seat, always either looking away from Janus or giving him the death glare.

Janus rolled his eyes. "I literally just told you to sit down, no need to get so defensive." He scooped some eggs onto a plate and slid it to Virgil, passing him some painkillers too. "Here, you look like you're going to pass out if you don't at least eat something."

"Look, I know this is poisoned or something, so I'm not stupid, okay? I'm just too suicidal to care," he grumbled, poking at the food with his fork and tentatively eating a little. It was actually pretty good, huh.

Janus raised an eyebrow. Well, that behaviour was vaguely concerning. Not that he cared, of course. "So, care to tell me what you were doing in my bed and why you look like you just crawled out of your grave?"

"First one, no fucking clue. Probably the drugs. Second one, that's because I did, and I would very much like to go back there and never leave," he said, death stare reactivated.

Janus glared back, refusing to be intimidated. "What the hell happened to you?" He asked, out of curiosity, not concern.

"Why do you want to know? I said I wouldn't be interrogated," he hissed menacingly, clutching onto the table so hard his knuckles went white.

Janus rolled his eyes again, he seemed to be doing a lot of that. "You know what, I don't care. You're going to finish your food; I'm going to take a look at your injuries and then you can get the fuck out of my house."

"Good! The sooner I can leave, the better. It's just a shame you won't let me leave already. Let me get back in my grave!" he demanded spitefully. "You'll slow down the dying if you heal me."

"Well, I wouldn't be a very good hero if I let you die, would I? After that, you can do whatever you like, I don't care." He grabbed his well-stocked first aid kit and looked at Virgil. "Where are you hurt?"

"I'm the villain, you're kinda supposed to defeat me." He rolled his eyes. "And, like, everywhere. If it has skin on it then it's probably been bleeding recently."

"Maybe, but I don't need you dead," he said, a little gentler. "Take off your shirt, I'm going to disinfect your open wounds and cover them," he explained.

"Why would I take off my shirt in front of you?!" he exclaimed. "Fuckin' perv," he mumbled, taking off his shirt to reveal hundreds of cuts, varying size and depth, some inflicted by other people, some not. All of his back and arms were covered too.

Janus hissed in a sharp breath when he saw the extent of his injuries. He had seen a lot of bad things in his time as a hero, but rarely wounds as violent and extensive as these. "What the fuck happened to you?" He exclaimed, kneeling next to him and starting to clean the wounds carefully.

"An orgy with a bunch of werewolves, what do you think? People don't exactly like me, and I'm inclined to agree with them."

Janus sighed. "Maybe if you didn't blow up buildings on the daily and all that stuff, they'd be less inclined to beat you up," he said as he wrapped some bandages over the largest gashes.

"Maybe if the guys who ran those places weren't so shitty I wouldn't blow them up," he retorted, going to cross his arms, but he winced as he realised there was no fabric to protect him anymore, unfolding them with a huff.

Janus chuckled. "Have you ever considered blowing stuff up is not the most constructive way to go about it?" He sat back, staring at the wounds on Virgil's torso. "That's about all I can do, really. You should go see a proper doctor; I'm not qualified for this."

"Yeah no thanks. Number one, I'm not paying the government jack shit. Number two, the whole point of this is not really wanting to live, remember?" he reminded him snarkily, putting his shirt back on.

Janus stood, clearing away the first aid supplies. "Then you're staying here for as long as it takes you to heal properly. You can sleep on the couch though; I'm not sacrificing my rest for you."

"Why would I stay here? Enemies, remember? Don't want to heal, remember?" he said in a mocking tone. "Now if you don't mind, I'm going to go blow some shit up, and hopefully myself too. If the news reporters call it a fail or a mishap, you'll know it isn't."

Janus grabbed his wrist. "And that's exactly why I'm not letting you leave. It's my job to keep people safe, and as long as you're a danger to yourself and society, you're not leaving this house. Unless you'd prefer to sit in maximum security prison for the rest of your life."

"I'll find something here to do it with then," he huffed, slumping back down in the chair and pulling his wrist away sharply.

"Good," Janus said, relieved. He had no idea if Virgil would actually go through with what he was threatening, but it worried him. He sent his boss a text notifying them he wouldn't make it to work today. He didn't want to leave the villain alone today, not only because he could easily escape Janus's shoddily secured apartement.

"Where's your bathroom?" he asked. He didn't intend to use the shower, or the sink, or the toilet. He was very much planning on looking through the cupboards there and maybe in the kitchen for something useful.

"Through the door, then to your right," Janus said distractedly, looking at his phone as his boss bombarded him with questions. "Don't do anything stupid, I have to make a phone call," he said, not looking at Virgil.

"Mhm. Yeah. No stupid shit going on here," he shrugged, going through to the bathroom and quickly locating some things. Drain cleaner, bleach, a razor, things like that. He opened the bleach and instantly cursed. Janus would definitely be able to smell that.

Janus fielded the questions from his boss, reassuring them he was fine, no he wasn't dying, he just needed a day to sort out some family business. They always worried about him too much. He put away the phone when he was done and looked at the bathroom door with a faint feeling of worry in his gut. His mind screamed at him that something was wrong, and he wondered if it had been a good idea to leave a vaguely self-destructive person alone. He walked over to the door and knocked.

"Yeah what?" Virgil asked in annoyance, sounding like a teenager protesting against his parents. "The fuck you want?" he asked, quickly putting the bleach away. He'd have to wait a bit then.

Janus sighed, relieved. He'd probably been worried over nothing. "Just making sure you're not climbing out the bathroom window with the shower curtains. Don't take too long," he said, heading back to the living room and putting away the dishes.

Right, Janus is gone, death time. Virgil re-opened the bleach and began wondering how much he would need to kill him. He looked at the bottle, the ingredients, the strength, weighed himself on the bathroom scales, and came to a conclusion. No way was he surviving this. He lifted the bottle to his mouth.

Janus waited a little longer, his eyes never leaving the door. The worry became stronger the longer Virgil didn't appear. He should be done by now, shouldn't he? He walked over to the door and knocked again. When he didn't get an answer, he knocked harder. "Virgil, whatever you're doing in there, come out now or I'm coming in." He bent down and started fiddling with the lock, praying for Virgil to give him a reply.

Virgil rolled his eyes. "Letting me die would save a lot of lives," he offered, still holding up the bleach.

Janus breathed a small sigh of relief, pressing his forehead to the door. "Virgil, please, whatever you're doing, just stop it. We can talk about this, killing yourself isn't going to help anyone."

"Well yeah, it would. It would help me, and you, and a lot of people I was going to murder and/or terrorise. I really don't see why you care anyways." His tone wasn't sad, if anything it was nonchalant and calm.

"Virgil, I've been where you are right now and believe me, it really doesn't help anyone. And I know it sounds cliché but there is so much more to live for. It really does get better, take it from me." Tears of sympathy and frustration rolled down Janus' cheeks, but he didn't bother wiping them away, too concerned with the man on the other side of that door.

"Yeah. Dude. You don't like me, I kinda murder lots of people and all that, I really don't see much reason here," he shrugged.

"I may not like you but I do care about you. Your death would hurt me for a lot of reasons, so could you please just open the door?" He begged.

He opened the door and faced Janus deadpan. "Why do you care about me? So you can keep on thwarting my plans and be seen as a hero? Go find some other criminal to defeat."  
"I care about you because you've never purposefully hurt an innocent person. I care about you because you might be going about it all wrong but you're genuinely trying to make a difference. I care because you're so much like me, angry and hurt and furious at a society that never cared. We might be on opposite sides of the law, but we're not on opposite sides of this fight."

"Can I please just drink the bleach?" he asked dryly, holding it up like someone would hold their coffee cup. He was leaning against the doorway shirtless, a few new cuts bleeding, and a few old ones opened.

Janus took it from him. "No," he said firmly, deciding to pour it all down the drain just for safety. "Now put on a shirt and pick out a movie to watch or something, I'm not letting you out of my sight anymore."

"Ugh for fucks sake, how hard does a boy have to try to commit suicide around here?" he complained, reluctantly pulling his shirt back on and looking in mild annoyance as some blood soaked through.

"I'm not letting you die, dumbass," Janus said, throwing some bandages at him. "Go sit on the couch, I'll take care of it there. And if you open up any more of your wounds, I'm putting you in a full body cast so you can't move," he threatened.

"Handcuffs would be better cus they're kinkier," he protested with a shrug as he collapsed into the couch with a huff and stared at the ceiling.

"Ew," Janus said, pulling up Virgil's shirt so he could take care of the wounds. "Keep your mind out of the gutter darling, I'm not into that kind of stuff."

"Never said I wanted to get kinky with you, did I? You put that in your head yourself," he smirked, wincing when Janus touched an open wound.

"You're going to be the death of me," Janus sighed exasperatedly. He sat back and tugged Virgil's shirt back down. "So do you want to watch a movie or are we just going to stare awkwardly at each other all day?"

"We can watch a movie, I guess?" he sighed, still unsure as to why Janus actually gave a shit. He slouched back into the couch, absentmindedly picking at a cut on his arm.  
Janus turned on a movie but his eyes never left Virgil. He wondered if he had bitten of more than he could chew with this. He barely managed to keep himself alive, how the hell was he supposed to manage this? "Stop that." He wrapped his hand around Virgil's to stop him from picking at his cut. "I will absolutely make good on my threat to put you in a full body cast."

"I thought you said you weren't going to be staring awkwardly at me," he joked, putting his hands behind his head and leaning back.

"And I let you out of my sight for exactly five minutes and you nearly drank all my bleach like a smoothie, so forgive me for being cautious," he snarked back, turning his attention to the tv screen but keeping half an eye on Virgil.


	2. So long to all of my friends- Every one of them met tragic ends.

Virgil had been assigned the couch to sleep on, and fair enough. It was weird enough being in Janus' house as it was, without being in his bed again. However, something was off, he couldn't sleep. He kept tossing and turning, and every time he closed his eyes, he saw them. His mum flatlining, his dad getting taken to war, his sister in an asylum, and all of the innocent people he saw die nearly every day. And it was so real. Everyone perpetually dying in front of his eyes, even when he woke up shaking. He curled in tighter on himself, his chest tight and painful but they just kept on dying. Then, into the darkness, he screamed. "STOP!!"

Janus jerked awake, curling his fingers around the knife he kept near his bed on instinct. For a minute, all he could think about was the panic racing through him, before he slowly got up. He wasn't under attack, he was safe in his own home. The sound had come from Virgil. He hesitantly crept into the living room, flicking on the lamps in the hall so as not to flood the room with light. "Virgil? Are you alright?" He asked, though the other's ragged breathing was an answer in itself.

"Stop them, make them stop," he whimpered, through fast, heavy tears. He clung onto fistfuls of his hair tightly, very close to having two bald spots. He curled up tighter, rocking a little subconsciously. "Make them stop," he begged, but his voice was warped by the lump in his throat.

Janus kneeled next to the couch. "Virgil, I'm going to touch you, alright?" He warned and gently tugged Virgil's hands away from his hair. He cradled them against his chest, rubbing his thumbs along his skin. "Whatever you're seeing, it's not real, I promise. You just had a bad dream. You're okay Virgil, I just need you to breathe," he gently reassured him.

Now that his arms were moved, Virgil was open and vulnerable, so he did the only thing he could think to do in the situation, which was to crash gently into Janus, the one who had taken his hands. He needed to be pressed up against something to feel a little safer as he cried, wailing out in mourning of everyone he'd ever seen and was still seeing die.  
Janus wrapped his arms firmly around Virgil, pulling him close. "You're okay, you're okay," he murmured into his hair. He scooted back so he was firmly pressed up against the couch and held Virgil as he fell apart, keeping up a constant litany of reassurances as he waited for him to calm down.

It took him maybe ten minutes to stop with the sobbing, eventually reluctantly getting off Janus. He didn't want to let go, the cold only hurt twice as bad after a taste of warmth, but he knew he didn't deserve it. He was the bad guy here, and villains don't deserve anything. "I'm sorry," he hung his head.

Janus let him go reluctantly. He wanted to hold him close, to reassure him and comfort him till he stopped shaking so much but he knew that wouldn't be welcome. "You don't have to be sorry," he said gently, "Do you want to talk about it or would you rather just go back to sleep?"

"I want to sleep but every time I close my eyes they're there," he whispered faintly. "It's my fault I see them. My fault and the fucking USA.."

Janus sighed sadly. "What if we put on a movie and I stayed here with you, do you think that would help?" He wondered what Virgil's story was, what he had seen in those dreams. He decided now was not the time to press the matter, calming him down was the most important thing right now.

"Sure," he choked, completely failing when he tried to get the villainous edge back in his voice. God, he was pathetic. "Can I use your coffee machine? I don't want to risk falling asleep."

"That probably isn't advisable but go ahead, I can't tell you how to live your life," he followed Virgil into the kitchen, reluctant to leave him alone in a space full of sharp objects. "Who are they?" He asked, "The people you were dreaming about? I understand if you'd rather not tell me."

Virgil put on the coffee and leaned back against the counter as it gradually was made. "Yeah.. I'd rather not. Until I can actually trust someone, that shit's staying private."

Janus nodded. "I understand, you don't need to feel pressured to tell me anything." He sat down on the table, staring at the coffee machine. He traced patterns in the wood grain. "I know I probably can't understand what you've gone through, but I know a thing or two about loss. And I've been there too, I've considered ending things. Uhmm...I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'd never use that against you if you told me anything. And that I would listen and never judge and do my best to help you however I can." 

"Why? You're supposed to be trying to destroy me! You're meant to hate me or turn me in to the police or some shit. Being nice is a trap, isn't it?" he fretted aloud, pouring the coffee and beginning to chug it black, nod caring about how it burned his tongue.

Janus watched with mild concern as Virgil drank his coffee. He shrugged. "Maybe I'm just tired of the fighting. I mean, where did it ever get us. All we ever did was hurt each other and each other. I'm supposed to be a hero, yet I feel like I only do more harm than good."

"Dude I just wanna blow up every bit of property Jeff Bezos owns and then I'll be a little bit better," he shrugged, putting the now empty coffee pot on the counter, having chugged the whole thing.

Janus flopped down on the table, which was not proper, but whatever. "I feel like ethically I'm in the wrong if I try to stop you from doing that."

"Want to go blow up his house with me?" he rolled his eyes. "Just kidding. I know that's, like, evil or whatever. Stop me if you want," he shrugged.

Janus pushed himself off the table and grabbed Virgil's hand, leading him to the couch. "Let's leave the blowing stuff up for a later date, I'm too tired for that now."

"So, you're saying you'll do it, just not right now?" he raised an eyebrow sceptically, going to sit with Janus. He didn't let go of his hand.

Janus squeezed his hand and settled down on the couch next to him. "No promises," he chuckled, scrolling through Netflix to find a movie.

Virgil was sat next to Janus a little closer than before. He felt bad about it- selfish even, but he liked it. He liked the warmth. He'd been so, so cold before, and now.. Janus was warm.

Janus stared at Virgil, at the way the light of the tv played over his drawn and tired features. He ached for him, wishing he could do anything to smooth away the pain that was so apparent on his face. "Can I touch you?" He asked.

"You already are, go ahead. I'm not really touch averse in any way," he shrugged, as if someone willing to touch him non-violently wasn't the big deal it was.

Janus gently pulled him against his chest, smoothing a hand through his hair. After a while of staring at the screen and not really comprehending what was happening, he spoke up again. "Are you sure you don't want to try sleeping again. I can stay here and wake you up if you seem to be having a nightmare. And god knows you look like you need it."  
"I just drank a pot of black coffee. I'm never sleeping again," he shrugged, cuddling up to Janus against his better judgement. The hand in his hair just felt so good and comforting.

Janus huffed a laugh. "Well, don't blame me if I drift off. Unlike some, I had the sense not to drink a whole pot of coffee at 3 am." He pressed a gentle kiss to Virgil's hair, the movement coming naturally to him.

"Oh," Virgil whispered, freezing slightly. However, he didn't move away. He just hadn't expected any of this kindness, let alone affection.

Janus froze when he realised what he had done. "Shit sorry, I probably shouldn't have done that," he apologized. His hand left Virgil's hair, aware he had overstepped here.

"No it's... It just feels.. Really nice," he murmured, still laying against him. "You can.. You can do it again if you want. But, I understand if it was just an accident. I don't expect you to like me."

Janus pressed another kiss to the top of his head. "My dear, I am literally cuddling you right now, I'm not sure what gave you the impression I might not like you."

Virgil flushed at the nickname, freezing a little again and his breath hitched at the kiss. "Sorry for reacting strangely, it doesn't mean I want you to stop though, I'm just not used to this," he whispered.

Janus continued running his hand through his hair. "It's alright, you don't have to apologize for that. And I promise you, I'm not going anywhere anytime soon. I just want you to be alright, Virgil."

"I still don't get why," he mumbled under his breath. "I am pretty much just an asshole," he sighed, believing it with every cell in his body.

"No, you're not," Janus said, "You may act like one sometimes, but really you're just a big softie under all that snark." He tugged gently at one of the knots in Virgil's hair.

Oh. Janus didn't see him as a threat. Was that a good thing? Or was he losing his edge in a bad way? He so desperately craved someone to like him, love him even, despite all of his brain and body knowing it was impossible. At the same time though, he wanted to stay feared. He didn't want to let his guard down like he had before, he didn't want to let anyone else innocent die.

"What's going on in that brain of yours?" Janus asked when he saw Virgil's face pinch with worry. Had he said something wrong? Had he insulted him? He hoped not, he'd finally been getting somewhere with Virgil, falling into a comfortable companionship that wasn't scarred by all the things they had done to each other.

"Spicy memory disorder," he sighed, joking. Probably PTSD, but he refused to have it checked out. "No need to worry," he lied.

"That...sounds concerning," Janus said, looking down at him worriedly. "The more random things you drop on me, the more worried about you I get," he sighed.

"Dude, I'm super fucked, but not in a sexual way, because no-one's shown me any genuine love since my mum died. Anyway, this is how I open up, joking about my pain," he shrugged.

"That's one way to go about it," Janus murmured, his voice filled with concern. He looked down at Virgil, at how he was practically in his lap and felt something very much like love curl up in his chest. "What happened to your mother?" He asked gently, afraid to push too much but asking anyways.

Virgil felt the tears welling up, and so moved closer to his source of comfort. He shuffled fully into Janus' lap, curling up with his face in his chest. "I couldn't pay the hospital bill. I would've used credit, but I was already over drafted enough. She decided to just.. Well.." he began to choke up, and so wrapped his arms around Janus, clinging tighter.

Janus tightened his arms around him protectively, rubbing his back. "Oh, Virgil," he whispered sadly, pressing comforting kisses to his temples. "It's not fair," he whispered. He felt so useless in that moment. He was a hero, and he couldn't protect people like Virgil's mother.

Despite his crying and reliving the grief, Virgil still melted into the kisses. He knew Janus was only pretending. Only doing what a hero had to do before he sent Virgil back out into the world once he had convinced him he wouldn't blow anything up. But for now, he wanted to pretend. Let himself stay blissfully ignorant for just one time in his life, let himself feel cared for, even just for a second, even if it was fake, and even if it would be snatched away from him at any moment. He so desperately needed this.

"It's going to be alright, my dear," Janus murmured into Virgil's hair. "I can't change your past, but I promise I'll be there for your future, as long as you can stand my presence that is. I'll keep you safe," he promised.

"You know you.. You don't have to lie to me," he choked. He wasn't sure what he was feeling right now, but it was there, and he knew that he wanted Janus. So, even if he was lying to him, he was going to stay right here, because here was where Janus was.

Janus gently lifted Virgil's chin so he could look him in the eyes. "I'm not lying, not about this. I know you have no reason to believe me, but please, I care about you and want the best for you."

As his face was lifted up, Virgil realised that he was eye level with Janus, but also just the right height to kiss him. It didn't make proper sense admittedly, but it seemed like it might be nice maybe? He didn't dare make a move though, but he couldn't keep from staring at the lips that the kind words kept on coming from.

Janus froze when he realised Virgil was staring at his lips. He hesitantly leaned forward and yes, he was entirely aware this was a terrible idea, but in his defense, it was 3 am and he couldn't be counted on to make reliable decisions. He pressed his lips to Virgil's, soft and hesitant, keeping his grip loose so Virgil could pull away at any moment.

Virgil melted gratefully into the kiss, longing so desperately for Janus' warmth, and now finally getting it. He wasn't letting go. He kissed back, soft and gentle, his arms wrapping around his neck like he might disappear any second.

When eventually they had to pull apart to breathe, Janus pressed their foreheads together. He traced a finger lovingly over Virgil's cheekbone. "You're beautiful," he whispered into the few centimeters of space between them.

Virgil shut his eyes as their foreheads touched, taking a little time to softly breathe, and cry too. "That was nice," he whispered raggedly, not acknowledging the compliment.  
Janus gently brushed his tears away, pressing kisses to his cheeks. "Yes, yes, it was," he said, still slightly breathless. "If I had known you're such a good kisser, I would have stopped fighting you years ago, I think," he chuckled.

Virgil placed another soft kiss to Janus' lips, pulling away after only a couple of seconds, just desperate for Janus' comfort as he shuffled closer too.

Janus wrapped his arms firmly around him, curling around him protectively. "You're cute," he chuckled fondly as Virgil pressed up against him.

"No I'm sexy and intimidating," he protested softly, but clearly joking as he cuddled up against Janus, making himself small in his lap. "I am a force to be feared."

Janus smiled at the puddle of villain curled up in his lap. "Yes you're truly terrifying right now, so intimidating," Janus said sarcastically. "I can agree with the sexy, though."

"Why thank you," he whispered softly, nuzzling into Janus' chest, almost purring like a cat. He was incredibly cat-like right now, curled up and dark haired in the lap of someone who was petting him.


	3. Awake and unafraid; Asleep or dead?

Janus stumbled home, blood spilling past his gloves from where they were held around the large gash in his side. The world spun in sickening circles and his knees buckled beneath him. He gasped as he hit the ground, the movement jarring his broken ribs. He fumbled for his phone, managing to send a probably incomprehensible text to Virgil and switching on his gps before curling up tightly and trying not to faint from the pain. He hoped Virgil would get the message and look for him. And otherwise, well, he'd always imagined it would end like this, violent and alone. He hoped Virgil would be alright.

Virgil felt his phone buzz and instantly pulled it from his pocket. Janus. Sending something completely incoherent. That really wasn't a good sign. He desperately checked to see if his location was on, and upon discovery that it was, he didn't bother thinking straight. The fastest way to get to him was with the maneuver gear he used for blowing shit up. Of course, that would be too recognizable, so he hurriedly pulled on his mask and shot out through the city to find Janus.

Janus stared absent-mindedly at the rooftops above him, his thoughts turning to Virgil. Fear curled up in his gut when he thought about what would happen when he died. He'd promised he wouldn't leave, promised he would stay. Of course, that turned out to be a lie in the end. He should know better than to give someone his word by now. He heard noise further up in the alleyway but couldn't find it in himself to lift his head and check it out. Whatever it was, it couldn't be worse than his current predicament.

Virgil dropped down at Janus' side and held him close. "Hey Jan. It's me," he whispered, ripping his own sleeve to cover up the wound and stop the bleeding, at least momentarily. He picked him up and began across the city again, tears pricking his eyes. "We'll get you fixed," he promised hoarsely. "You'll be okay."

Janus curled up in his arms, violent shivers wracking his body. "You came," he whispered brokenly. "Virgil, it hurts," he whimpered when the movement jostled his wounds.  
"I'll always come for you," he whispered, holding Janus tighter against him so he wouldn't get so shaken about. They quickly arrived at Janus' house and Virgil rushed inside, setting Janus on the couch and quickly removing his shirt and disinfecting the wound hastily. "I'll be quick I promise," he whispered. "Close your eyes." And so, in record time, he managed to give Janus twelve stitches, not very neat, but good enough to stay together as he wound bandages tightly (but not too tight) around his midsection, using multiple layers to block the bleeding. When he could be sure he wouldn't die instantly, Virgil rushed for the painkillers and water, holding Janus' head in his lap as he sat on the couch with him, smoothing over his forehead the best he could to try and calm him while in a state of panic himself.

"Nobody ever came," Janus mumbled, "Didn't think you cared." Tears spilled down his cheeks as he shivered in Virgil's lap. He had spent so many years wanting to die and only now did he realise how absolutely terrified he was. "I'm sorry," he whimpered, because God he was such a failure. What kind of hero was he if he couldn't even keep himself alive?  
"You have nothing to be sorry for, and of course I would come. You saved my life, and I'm gonna try and save yours. Hold on for me Janus, and don't go to sleep," he instructed, holding onto his hand and not letting go. If Janus fell asleep in this state, he could go into a coma or even die. "Janus god I love you so so much, hold on for me please," he begged, tears beginning to spill, Virgil's first declaration of love to Janus.

Janus squeezed his hand weakly and smiled at him. "I love you too," he murmured, aching to reach up and wipe those tears away. Virgil shouldn't be crying over him; he wasn't worth that. "I'm so tired," he murmured, his eyes fluttering closed. He wanted to stay awake, couldn't bear hearing Virgil beg but a weight pressed down on him. All his energy was slowly flowing out of his body.

"No, Janus. Wake up, please," he begged. "You can't sleep right now. Stay awake just a minute or so and I'll get you an energy drink," he promised, laying Janus' head on a pillow and getting an energy drink and some sugar quickly, along with some cold coffee he'd forgotten to drink that morning. It wouldn't be nice, but it had a shit ton of caffeine in it, the way Virgil liked it. He returned to Janus and sat him up. "Come on Jan, get some energy in you," he encouraged, holding out the things he'd found and supporting his side.  
Janus let Virgil manhandle him into an upright position and drank from the coffee, grimacing at the taste. He didn't understand why Virgil liked that stuff. "Virgil." He grabbed his hand and looked into his eyes. "You have to promise me that if I die, you won't do anything stupid, alright?"

"Janus, if you die, I'll grieve you respectfully, and then I'll kill myself non-violently, leaving a sign to the city that I'm going to stop blowing up things," he said earnestly, holding onto Janus' hand and tenderly rubbing over his knuckles. "But you're not going to die that soon." His voice was cracking all over the place, and tears were still steadily falling. "You're sitting upright, you're drinking cold espresso, and you're here with me. You're gonna be okay," he promised.

Janus cradled Virgil's face in his hands, calling on the little bit of strength he had to gently stroke his cheek. "No," he said insistently, "Don't you dare kill yourself, Virge please," a sob choked him off, "You've come so far, don't throw all of that away over me."

"Well then, you're going to live," he said, like he could will it into being. He cupped Janus' cheek gently and pressed the faintest kiss to his lips. "Please Jan. We're both going to live," he promised.

Janus slumped against Virgil, his strength well and truly spent. "I'm trying, my love," he whispered, pressing a soft kiss on Virgil's neck, "But I'm so tired, and it hurts." He didn't want to die, he just wanted to stay here, safe in Virgil's arms. The pain coursed through him sharply and he tensed.

Virgil very delicately lifted Janus into his lap, stroking his hair and holding him close. "Where does it hurt? How can I help?" he asked, lifting the energy drink to Janus' lips.  
"Maybe where my insides nearly got ripped out?" Janus chuckled half-heartedly. He did his best to drink, more for Virgil's sake than his own, really. "You'd make a good doctor," he mused, his eyes glued on Virgil's face, trying to remember every last feature. He hoped this wasn't the last time he could do that.

"Do you think you're better here or at the hospital? I'm in far too much debt to pay, but I would do anything to see you live," he whispered sorrowfully. "It's your call. And whatever happens, then please know that I love you more than I've ever loved anything or anyone."

"I don't know. I've been saving up in case something like this ever happened. I don't think it's enough to cover all the costs though," he took a ragged breath, "I don't know if I'll make it here." He looked up at Virgil, giving him a broken smile. "I love you so much, I don't want to leave you, not yet."

"Hospital it is then.. Are we gonna get an Uber then?" he asked, getting a little more energy drink into Janus' mouth. "I just.. I don't want to see you go like my mum did," he whispered.

Janus froze when he remembered Virgil's mother. "Oh, darling I'm sorry, I didn't realize. You don't have to come with me, I don't want you to hurt yourself." He pressed a kiss to Virgil's hand and stroked his thumb comfortingly across it.

"Jan. If I see my mum, or panic, or have an episode, I'll deal with it. You need the hospital and I'll stomach it to get you there," he promised, booking an Uber before scooping Janus up as gently as he could, bringing the sugar and the rest of the energy drink with them.

Janus sagged in Virgil's hold, feeling faintly pathetic but mostly just tired, and in pain. "If it gets bad, I won't blame you if you have to leave, you know that right?" He asked as they got into the uber. Janus was way too tired to even try and pay attention to the driver's concern.

"Janus, I'll do anything for you. I'll stick it out as much as I possibly can," he whispered hoarsely, kissing Janus' face and neck tenderly, crying in case it would be the last chance he got to do so.

Janus leaned into his touch, tears spilling down his cheeks. "How did I get so lucky?" He whispered with a small smile on his face. "I love you, Virgil, so much," he said as he watched the hospital draw nearer. His eyes fluttered closed and a cold numbness crept up his limbs. He hoped this wouldn't be the last time he said those words to Virgil.

"Janus, come on, you can stay awake a little longer, I know you can. You're not giving up on me yet," he choked, tears rolling down his cheeks as he paid the Uber driver and carried Janus hurriedly into the hospital. He took a breath, deciding that ferocity would be the best way to try and get over the trauma for a tiny bit. He pushed straight to the front of the line, holding Janus up to the receptionist. "Please, please we need to see someone, he's dying, he's almost dead, please," he begged.

The receptionist ushered him through quickly and two ER nurses ran up to them with a stretcher. Janus felt hands pull him away from Virgil and he protested weakly, reaching towards him. "We're taking him to the doctor right away, wait here and we'll update you on his condition as soon as possible," the nurse told Virgil.

Virgil curled up small into the chair outside the room, clutching tightly at fistfuls of hair as he screamed and sobbed to himself. All he could see when he closed his eyes was his mother on her deathbed, and now Janus on his, and when he opened them he kept on seeing the door in front of him. Surgery room number 4. He was convinced he'd hate that number now too, as he stared intently at the metal-plated number, his brain clouding over with screens and sobs and the heart-shattering drill of a flatline.


	4. The doctors and the nurses they adore me so

After several hours, the doctor emerged from the room. She frowned in concern at the young man curled up in the chair and knelt in front of him hesitantly. "Hello, Virgil, isn't it? I'm here to tell you that he's alright," she said gently, "There was some internal bleeding and we're going to keep him here for the night to monitor him, but you can go see him now," she explained.

Virgil was fairly sure he thanked her, but he couldn't be sure as he flung himself off the chair and ran to Janus' bedside. He was still asleep from the anaesthetic, but he took his sleeping boyfriend in his arms gratefully, crying into his chest and held him close.

Janus woke up cradled in Virgil's arms and he smiled. "Hey," he whispered, his voice rough and rasping. He gently reached out to wipe his tears away. "I promised you everything would be alright, didn't I?"

"Holy shit thank God you're alive!" he sobbed, pulling Janus closer. "Oh my fucking God I love you so much. I almost lost you," he whispered, voice equally as broken as Janus'. "I love you Janus."

Janus's breath caught when Virgil said those words. He'd been half convinced he was hallucinating that earlier, trying to make his death less painful and lonely. "I love you too," he breathed, in awe of how easily those words came, "And I'm so sorry for putting you through all that."

"It isn't your fault, and God Janus I am so so in love with you!" he repeated. He never wanted to stop saying it. "With all my fucking heart, I love you."

Janus smiled brightly at him. "You are truly the best thing that ever happened to me," he said as he ran his hand along Virgil's face, "I love you so much." He curled up against his chest, his warmth soothing all the pain and nervousness he still felt. "Are you okay? With all of this going on," he gestured vaguely to the hospital room they were in.

"Not in the slightest, but so long as I'm looking at you, I can't see it. I can’t see her," he murmured, lying on his side next to Janus and cradling his jaw. "I love you," he added in the end. He was never going to stop saying it. Never, never, never.

Janus pressed a gentle kiss to his lips and wrapped his arms around Virgil, mindful of his injuries. "That's good," he murmured, "Just focus on me then." He smiled at him. "I love you. I was so scared I'd never get to say those words to you,

"But now we're here and everything is going to be fine and I can say them as many times as I want."

The tears didn't stop. It was unlikely they would for a while, so he let them fall, just holding Janus in his arms. "Forever and ever, I'm yours," he whispered. "And I love you."  
"I can't wait to spend forever with you, my love," Janus murmured, tears still spilled down his cheeks but this time, they were the good kind, the happy kind. "If we continue crying this much, we're going to get dehydrated," he chuckled.

"I've been dehydrated before, I'll be fine," he promised. "Want me to get some water and then instantly return to come cuddle you?" he offered gently, pressing a kiss to Janus' lips carefully.

"But then I'll have to let go of you," Janus complained. He pressed a kiss to his lips before loosening his hold slightly. "Fine, but be quick, I want cuddles."

Virgil nodded and quickly retrieved two water bottles from a nearby vending machine, before coming back and handing one to Janus, drinking some himself. He got back onto the bed, wrapping his arms around Janus carefully. "I love you," he whispered.

Janus leaned against him gratefully, taking a sip from the water. "I love you too, my dearest. Thank you for being there, for coming for me." He pulled him into a gentle kiss, his hand brushing gently through his hair.

"Always and forever," he promised quietly. "I would do anything for you," he whispered, burying his face in Janus' neck so he couldn't see his surroundings.

Janus curled around him protectively, shielding him from the world around them. "I just need you to stay alive, that's all I need from you, my love." He still felt the cold fear whenever he thought of what Virgil had said when he had been hurt, when he had been so sure he wasn't going to make it. It scared him that his death would hurt Virgil so much.

"And I'm gonna now that you're alive. Now that there's something to live for," he murmured, gladly letting Janus embrace him. He'd been without his reassuring hugs for almost a day now.

Janus sighed, this conversation wasn't over yet, but maybe it was one for another day. He was tired and he just wanted to hold his boyfriend and not think of how terrifying the whole day had been. "I love you," he murmured, because he could say that as many times as he wanted now.

"I love you too, and now we're both going to live," he whispered, a small amount of tears beginning to escape from his eyes again as he clung to Janus. "God, I never want to let you go," he murmured, giving him the gentlest of squeezes.

Janus wiped away his tears gently. "Yes, yes we are. I'm never letting you go again," he promised. "I want to stop, with all of the superhero stuff. I can't bear the thought of ever leaving you, of getting hurt again."

"Yeah. I'll find some other way to be mad at the world," he murmured, pressing closer to Janus like he might disappear any second. "Let's just.. Give being normal people a shot."

"That sounds nice," Janus murmured, "Not getting stabbed anymore sounds great. And who knows, maybe we'll even get enough sleep for once," he laughed, smiling at the thought of just being able to spend his days with Virgil and not have to worry about saving the world and all that.

"When you get out of here, we should cuddle in bed and maybe get some sleep, and maybe we could get jobs in the same place- that way we can see each other and make some money," he suggested. Maybe being normal could be good.

"That sounds nice," Janus sighed, "Peaceful. I never thought I'd leave the superhero life behind, but I'm so tired of it." He just wanted to live peacefully, he just wanted to find a place to call home. He had always thought he would die young, killed in some fight. Growing old with Virgil sounded so much better.

-

"Finally back home, and I'm impressed that you can walk already!" Virgil smiled, unlocking the apartment door and stepping inside to see it just how he loved it- a little bit messy and mostly average, with all the things he loved inside, like coffee and videogames and his bed and his not dying boyfriend.

Janus smiled fondly at Virgil's enthusiasm. "Well, as much as I appreciate it, I was getting a bit tired of getting carried around bridal style," he said as he settled down on the couch. He wasn't fully recovered yet, but he was proud he had managed the short walk from the car to the apartment. "Now, I believe I was promised cuddles?"

"Bed. We said bed cuddles," he smiled, this time giving Janus a piggyback since he said he was tired of bridal style. He set him gently on the bed and carefully removed his jacket and shoes for him, before cuddling up to his chest, gently so as not to hurt him.

Janus rolled his eyes fondly. "So demanding," he laughed, pressing a soft kiss to his lips. "It's nice to finally be home, no more overbearing nurses watching over my every move," he said as he pulled Virgil close, running his fingers through his hair.

"I agree, no more hospitals or dying boyfriends is definitely a win in my books.. God, I love you so much!" he laughed softly.

Janus laughed too, the sound filling him with a gloriously warm feeling. "I love you, my dear. And I agree, let's never do any of that again. I'm never setting foot in a hospital again."


	5. If you marry me, Would you bury me? Would you carry me to the end?

Virgil swung his and Janus' joined hands between them as they walked along the beach in the dark. The crunch of the sand made a nice noise, and maybe some parts of the world he lived in were alright. There wasn't any real need for conversation, so Virgil was content to watch the pale moonlight grace Janus' features, smiling a little as he noticed everything he loved about him.

Janus smiled back, enjoying Virgil's eyes on his face. "Come on, let's sit down," Janus said when he found a nice spot on the beach. He settled down next to Virgil, their bodies pressed firmly against each other. The stars shone brightly overhead and the waves rushed gently over the sand. He leaned against his shoulders, a faint nervousness jumping in his chest when he thought about what he was going to do.

Virgil sighed contentedly, his loving gaze still directed at Janus and their hands remained together. He looked up at the stars with a gentle expression. They were so far away, and yet he could see them, and they were beautiful. He thought about that often.

"Virgil," Janus spoke up, "I have a question that I've wanted to ask you for a while now." He squeezed Virgil's hand comfortingly. "The years I've spent with you have been the happiest ones of my life and I promised you I wanted to spend many more together. So today, if you would want it, I want to make that promise legal and binding." He turned to face him. "Will you marry me?"

Virgil turned around to face him fully, answering with a deep kiss. When he finally pulled away, he rested their foreheads together gently and smiled against Janus' lips. "I'd love nothing more."

Janus breathed a small sigh of relief. "Thought you'd say that," he laughed, giving him a gentle kiss. "I love you, my dearest." He ran his thumb reverently along Virgil's face.  
"Love you too. Forever and always," he smiled, before going back in for a longer, softer kiss, one hand on Janus' waist, the other in his hair.

Janus leaned into it, smiling giddily. "How did I get so lucky?" he whispered when they pulled apart just a little, "To find the most beautiful and kind person in this whole world."  
Virgil laid down against the sand, pulling Janus into a gentle hug on top of him, laughing softly. "That would be you my love," be smiled, giving him a soft kiss to his nose.  
"Hey," Janus complained, "Don't steal my compliments, get your own," he laughed, looking down at Virgil. He looked so beautiful, the moonlight shading his face dramatically. Janus wiped away some sand from his face.

"Fine then, I'll use my own. You beautiful, sexy, sharp, intelligent, witty, kind, considerate, man. I'm honored you'd even consider a life with me but I'm ecstatic you did."  
Janus blushed and laughed. "Fine, you win this round," he conceded. "Stop being so smooth, I have a reputation."

Virgil rolled over so that he was on top of Janus now, pressing a deep kiss to his lips. "Not anymore," he breathed gently, showering him with kisses to his whole face and neck.

"No clearly, not when you're around." Janus melted into the kisses, wrapping his arms firmly around Virgil. He slipped his fingers under his shirt, running them gently along his skin.

"That feels so good you know," he murmured, kissing him. "But maybe we should get to a non-public place to make out?" he laughed against his fiancée's lips.

Janus groaned. "Weren't you a criminal? I'd hardly expect you to be concerned about that. And there's barely anyone here," he complained, but he slipped his hands out from under Virgil's shirt, instead settling for pressing light kisses all over his face.

"Well, if you're okay with it then I will. I just thought you were too concerned with your reputation," he shrugged, going back in for a loving kiss.

Janus melted into the kiss, tangling his hands in Virgil's hair. When they pulled away for a few seconds, Janus threw a cursory glance over the beach before tugging Virgil close. "There's no one here, we're fine."


	6. So darken your clothes or strike a violent pose, Maybe they'll leave you alone but not me.

Virgil was walking with Janus, hand in hand as they strolled together through the night. There weren't too many people about, and if there were, they weren't usually paying attention, which was exactly how Virgil liked it. Even outside of his villain persona, Virgil wasn't exactly enthusiastic about the presence of people.

Janus was enjoying a quiet night with his fiancé, until one of his former colleagues decided to ruin that. The flash of a familiar red cape made Janus instinctively drop into a defensive position. Roman smiled at him and Janus scowled back. "I see you've been consorting with the enemy, literally, that is," Roman said distastefully.

Virgil's instinct upon seeing Roman was to hiss and reach into his back pocket, but he forgot that he didn't have his knife, and cursed under his breath. "I see you're still an ass," he retorted.

Janus stepped between them because he knew an interaction between these two could only end in disaster. "Let's keep this civil, shall we? What do you want from us, Roman?" Roman stopped glaring at Virgil to glare at him instead. "I want to know why you're cavorting with a criminal. Did you forget he killed people? He deserves to rot in prison for the rest of his life."

Virgil looked at Janus for an answer. Virgil couldn't exactly say that Janus loved him, or that Virgil had saved his life, that would sound cocky. And he couldn't say Janus had saved his life, because Janus didn't need to have his redeeming qualities shown off. He had enough of those to seem like a good person without explaining the things people hadn't seen.

Janus squeezed his hand. "It's really none of your business, but if you must know, he saved my life, I saved his. I love him," He stated simply. "That doesn't excuse what he's done in the past," Roman argued. Janus wanted to yell at him that he didn't understand that Virgil wasn't the monster others had made him out to be, that Virgil was the best person he had ever had the pleasure of knowing. But he suspected Virgil would not appreciate that.

"Maybe you're just too blindly altruistic to notice when a different approach isn't necessarily working against you. Not all violence is villainy." he stated plainly, giving Roman a death glare.

"You've hurt people. You might think you're being a hero but there is no excuse for violence. Do you have any idea how many people you've hurt and killed?" Janus sighed. Roman was idealistic to a fault, it was just the way he was raised. "Look, we're not here to debate morals. If you really want to see Virgil in prison, then I hope you remember what a formidable opponent he was and that he now stands side by side with one of the best heroes this city has ever had. So, consider very carefully what you're up against if you try to challenge us."

"If you're so altruistic that you won't let someone destroy something even if it's so terrible, how were you okay to do what you've done to me when we're just fighting by different means for the same cause?" he asked Roman. He wanted to know. If he couldn't obliterate fascists and bigots and billionaires, how was Roman allowed to have given him almost half of the extensive amount of lifelong physical scars all over his body. "Calling yourself valiant and noble should hardly excuse the actions that you used those words to try and excuse."

Roman blinked at him. "I was just trying to protect people," He defended. "We were wrong, Roman. The actions we took hurt more people than they helped. They told us we were doing good, but we were only protecting the worst people in this society. The people who hurt and destroy and have never served for anything good. Virgil is right, we hurt people too and we defended our actions with those pretty lies they fed us." Janus said, thinking of the scars that ran all over Virgil's body and feeling sick.

"I hurt people who deserve it, and I love people who deserve it. A disregard for the law isn't a disregard for humanity," Virgil explained, leaning in closer to Janus to stand by him, although it was hard to feel threatening in this situation when both of the heroes were approximately a full head taller than him.

Janus wrapped his arm around Virgil's waist protectively. "Please Roman, I'm not trying to change your mind here. Just let us go home in peace. We don't want to be a part of this fight anymore." Roman's confidence wavered, he looked at Janus's arm around Virgil with an unreadable expression. "I can't do that, they won't accept it," he said softly, unsure.

"Who won't accept what?" Virgil raised an eyebrow. He obviously had never been a part of Roman and Janus' circle, and so wasn't entirely sure what they were on about.

"There was an organisation, they kept track of us, among other things. I always tried to keep my distance from them, found them too controlling." But Roman never had, raised to be a hero, it was expected of him to work for them. "They're angry, Janus," Roman snarled, "Angry that you left and that you're on his side now. And who do you think took the blame for that?" Janus flinched.

"We're not on any side now!" Virgil retaliated. "He quit because he nearly died, and I did the same. You don't get to guilt trip him because he left a harmful environment. Because he wasn't willing to die for someone else's cause," he snarled.

"So you're just going to let me take all the blame?" Roman looked at him accusingly. Janus thought of all the nights they had spent together on patrol; of all the times he had protected Roman and taken the blame for one of his mistakes. "You can leave whenever you want. I'm done letting you guilt me into protecting you, you're perfectly capable of doing that yourself," he said.

Virgil protectively held onto Janus' waist tightly. "I'm not sure how someone with 20/20 vision can be so blind," he spat, beginning to try and walk away with Janus.

"Wait," Roman called out, grabbing hold of Janus's arm, "Don't go, please," he nearly begged. Janus didn't want to admit how much he missed his friend. He pulled away from his grip roughly. "Enough Roman, I'm tired of your selfishness. If you ever try to confront me or Virgil again, I won't be this kind again." He walked away resolutely, drawing strength from Virgil's warmth against his side.

"I love you," Virgil reminded him softly. "You're so loved, and so strong, and I'm so proud of you," he commended Janus, rubbing his side and pressing a soft kiss to his cheek as they walked away from Roman. "And thank you," he whispered.

"What for?" Janus asked as he buried his head in Virgil's neck, leaning onto his touch. The conversation had exhausted him, and he really just wanted to nap for a few days, preferably while cuddling Virgil.

"For being my beautiful fiancée, for standing up for me and for yourself, for living and getting this far, for saving my life so many times in so many ways. So many things Jan. So many things to thank you for."

"I love you so much," Janus murmured into his side. "Thank you, for staying alive for me, for saving me, for agreeing to marry me and so much more. I don't know where I'd be without you."

"You big sap," he whispered fondly, stopping any attempts at walking to hold Janus as close as he could, pressing their bodies together to comfort him. "I love you too."

-

Janus dropped into the bed immediately when they got home, pulling Virgil along with him. He curled up against his chest, wrapping his hands firmly around him. "That sucked," he muttered into Virgil's chest.

"It did, but he's clearly just stuck on the past. Because in our present, we're going to get married, we've both stopped being heroes and villains, and Roman doesn't matter anymore. I promise."

"Yeah, you're probably right," Janus murmured, though he couldn't help the wave of guilt that crashed over him whenever he thought of Roman. He shook it away, propping himself up and pressing a deep kiss to Virgil's lips. "I love you and I can't wait to get married."

"Nor can I," he murmured against Janus' lips. However, he noticed his worried expression, and gently asked him, "Is something bothering you? Whatever it is, you know I'll listen to you," he pressed a kiss to his forehead.

"I know," Janus smiled at him gratefully, "The whole thing with Roman just impacted me a bit I guess. I never considered how my leaving would affect him." He ran his hand through Virgil's hair, the feeling of the locks between his fingers grounding him.

"How has it affected you both?" he asked patiently. "I didn't know him before today, so I might not be knowledgeable about this, but I'm going to listen to you," he promised, smoothing over his hair tenderly.

Janus shrugged as much as he could with his death grip on Virgil. "It's fine. It's just, he was my friend and I did care for him, once upon a time. And I never really considered what me leaving would mean for him."

"Do you want to explain it any further?" he asked softly. "How you two were, how you're feeling, how he's changed? But, if that would do more harm than good, we don't have to.”

"He hasn't changed at all, that's kind of the problem. He's the same stubborn idiot as always," Janus chuckled humorlessly. He wrapped his legs around Virgil. "I think I just want to cuddle now," he murmured.

"Okay love," he whispered, kissing his hair and holding him reverently. "You're perfect to me, you know. Beyond description," he muttered, absolutely dumbfounded that someone so perfectly stunning could love him.

Janus ran his thumb lightly along Virgil's jaw. "And you are the most stunning person I've ever met. Every morning when I wake up next to you and see your messy hair, I feel like the luckiest person on earth. My life may have been a mess, but I know I did it right if I ended up with you," Janus told him because sometimes he just wanted to be sappy, alright?

"Oh Janus," he whispered softly, peppering his hair with tender little kisses. "You know I'm not very good with compliments, but I feel the same way. Any path was the right path if it got me here with you," he promised softly, stroking over his back.

Janus looked up at him, admiring how soft and beautiful Virgil looked. "Who would have imagined we would end up here?" He asked with a laugh, remembering the shock he had felt upon discovering Virgil in his bed that first morning.

"Me. I would have imagined it, and I did, over and over. Every time we made eye contact in a fight, or you watched me sympathetically instead of joining in when people were torturing me, I imagined what it would be like for you to look after me, to even have a life with you. Except, I never believed it would actually happen.”

"Oh," Janus said as he remembered those times. The sympathy and pain he had felt for Virgil, how he had wished to soothe that pain. "I wish I had done something sooner, instead of just standing by and watching. I wanted to care for you, help you somehow."

"And you did, and you do, and I know that you will," he whispered softly, pressing gentle kisses on every bit of skin he could reach. "And there's no need to worry about me now. Sure, I get the odd panic attack, but no-one's hurting me, and no-one's fighting me, and you've been nothing but kind."

"I'm terrified that might not last, the fighting thing, not the being kind, I will always love you. But I don't think the organisation or the superhero community is going to let us go that easily. I'm scared they might come after us, and you might get hurt." He pressed a kiss against Virgil's skin, letting his touch comfort him.

"If they come after us, I'll fight for you. Whether I need to use physical combat or debate our cause, I'll fight for you, and I'll live for you. Everything I do will be for you," he promised, giving him a gentle kiss on the lips.

Janus smiled at him lovingly. "I'd rather you live for yourself," he murmured. " But if they come, we will fight together. I'm not letting them take this from us. "


	7. Sing it for the boys! Sing it for the girls! Every time that you lose it, Sing it for the world!

Virgil arrived at the hall in a hoody and sneakers, Janus at his side in full formal wear. "You look incredible Jan," he murmured, leaning against him as they entered the building.

Janus smiled at him. "As do you, even in that outfit," he laughed fondly. He didn't mind it, Virgil's disregard for society's expectations was one of the reasons he had fallen for him. He smiled at the receptionist in the hall. "Hello, we're here to get married," he said pleasantly.

"Hi, are you two booked in for seven fifteen?" the receptionist smiled, checking through her forms. When Virgil nodded, she passed them a sheet with their legal names on and spaces for signatures.

"You guys can just fill in the forms and then the officiant will make it official," she explained, "You can go in there." She gestured to the room to their right. Janus took Virgil's hand and walked into the room. "You ready? After this you're stuck with me for the rest of your life," he joked.

"No I'm not. I'm happy to spend all of our lives together," he promised. "Marriage isn't to tie us down, it's to let us be free together," he murmured. He was allowed to be sentimental every now and then, as a treat.

Janus pressed a gentle kiss to his forehead. "Then let's get on with it," he said softly, running his thumb along his cheekbone. The officiant cleared their throat. "Gentlemen, if you two and your witnesses could just sign this and give a statement that you both wholeheartedly consent to this marriage, then it's official." They smiled kindly.

Virgil gladly signed, as did the witnesses, and once everyone had signed where needed, Virgil turned to look up at Janus. "I fully consent to this marriage," he smiled, taking both of his hands in his own.

"I fully consent to this marriage too," Janus said, squeezing his hands. When the officiant declared them officially married and his sister let out a loud cheer, Janus leaned forward to pull Virgil into a deep kiss. "I love you," he murmured against his lips.

Virgil melted instantly, wrapping his arms around Janus' neck and kissing him back. The kiss wasn't necessarily fierce, but there was a soft passion to it, because Virgil had wanted this forever. He had so often dreamt of this day, and now here he was, in his hoody and sneakers, sharing his first married kiss with the person on this planet he loved the most.

Janus smiled giddily when he eventually pulled away, pressing one more light kiss to the tip of Virgil's nose. "Come, my dear husband. I think my siblings might be getting impatient." His brother rolled his eyes while his sister cooed at how cute they were.

Virgil kept his arms in place, giving Janus that pleading look that he knew too well. "You know, I might be too tired now to walk back to the train station," he mumbled. Also, he just wanted to be carried. It made him feel safe, OK?

Janus swept him up easily in his arms, as he laughed slightly. "Too tired, huh?" He asked as he pressed a kiss to his hair. "Well, I don't mind carrying you, my love." He cradled Virgil close. He could scarcely believe this was real, they had actually gotten married and now he could spend the rest of his life with the person he loved so much.

Virgil hid his face in his neck as Janus stepped out into the cool night. "I love you doesn't seem like enough right now. I don't think it's ever going to be enough to describe how I feel for you," he whispered softly.

"I know," Janus whispered back, "Usually, I am so good with words, yet I can't find any way to describe my feelings for you." He pressed his lips to Virgil's hair as he walked through the quiet streets. "I guess my actions will just have to be enough."

"Cuddles and kisses and maybe making out with me when we get home if you want to?" Virgil suggested, nuzzling into him and staying on his husband's lap as they got onto the train.

"I think I can do that," Janus said as he ran his hand through Virgil's hair. The train arrived at their stop after a while and without a second thought, he picked Virgil back up and got off.

Virgil laughed softly. "Can we put on a movie?" he asked as they reached their apartment in the dark. "Maybe Heathers?" he suggested, a movie they both liked. "I guess I'm kind of like JD if he'd listened to Veronica, huh?" he murmured to himself.

Janus sat down on the couch, settling Virgil on his lap. "I guess. Luckily, it all ended well for you and you did decide to listen to me," he said as he pressed kisses all over Virgil's face. He pulled him close, trying to shake of the memory of those days. It still scared him some days how close Virgil had been to killing himself.

Virgil traced his thumbs over Janus' cheekbones, pressing a gentle kiss to his lips. "Yep, very much alive and okay," he reassured him, setting the movie as quiet background noise, before turning his focus back to Janus.

"And I'm very happy about that," Janus sighed, eyes glued to Virgil. They had come so far from the broken people they had been back then. Janus was so incredibly grateful he didn't have to be worried about Virgil doing something stupid whenever he left him alone. He leaned his forehead against Virgil's, pressing a soft kiss to his lips.

"Hey Jan, can I ask you something?" he murmured against his lips as they gently and slowly kissed. There was a question that he had been curious about for a while, and he thought that maybe this conversation would be an alright one to put that question into.

"Of course, my dearest," Janus whispered back. He ran his hand slowly through Virgil's hair, wrapping the other around his waist and pulling him close.

"I think you mentioned something once about you being suicidal before I was. You don't have to talk about it," he assured him, voice as quiet and gentle as could be, "But if you can answer, might I ask... Why? I just, I guess it might just give me a better understanding." The atmosphere over the couple wasn't heavy, or upsetting, or uncomfortable. A little melancholy perhaps, and that was the best way to describe it, because that's what it was. Bittersweet and calm, filled with love, and remnants of sadness in the past, and a little bit of concern.

Janus sighed softly. "I knew that was going to be your question." He thought about it for a moment as rubbed patterns in Virgil's skin. "I had a difficult time when I was growing up. My parents weren't the greatest, they kind of pushed me into the superhero thing. Them being the general dicks they were and all the pressure that came with being a hero, it was a lot sometimes. And sometimes it seemed easier just not to be anymore. I didn't want to die, I guess, I just didn't want that life anymore." He buried his face in Virgil's neck.  
Virgil held Janus' head close and comfortingly, stroking his hair to soothe him. "Thank you for telling me," he whispered, astounded at how quickly and willingly he'd opened up to Virgil about that when he'd asked. "I love you." he pressed a soft, reassuring kiss to his hair.

Janus looked up at him. "Thank you for listening. You're the first person I told that to," he said. It felt nice, to finally be able to open up to someone. To tell them his secrets and trust they wouldn't stab him in the back.

"I love you. So much."


End file.
